The competition of caring

 

It is amazing how as humans we also grave connection and attention. To the point that we believe that if we don't get what we give then it is not right and we are wasting our time. I am not gonna lie at some point in my life I believed that. I told myself that I will treat people as they treat me, I will care as much as they do. I will give as much as they do. But now I changed my mind. I guess I matured. 

Maturing is not about getting older really. It is about having reasonable thoughts. You may meet people who are way younger than you but they always seems more mature than you. So maybe it took me a while to finally be mature human being. 

I realized that we are not the same. I am not the same as anyone in my life no matter how many similarities we share. So if we are not the same how am I expecting everyone to treat me the same way I treat them. It just doesn't make sense and I understand it now. Let me explain it in a simple way. 

Let's say that you are a caring person, you are always there for others you always give. You know what, that is okay. It is okay to be the one who always suggest an outing, because when you do they show up and you end up having a great time, right? So they don't suggest a hangout but they get excited when you do and always be up for it. So tell me where in this you think they don't care or like to hang out with you ? They are just not used to ask or suggest or plan anything. Maybe sometimes they are really busy to hang out, it doesn't mean they don't care. 

We always like to analyze things forgetting that it will be easier to just ask a simple question. 

"wanna hang out"

"yes" 

Doesn't matter who ask, doesn't matter who takes the first step. What matters is the time you spent with them. 

Moving on, you have to know that relationship/Friendship is not a competition of love. No one is holding a scoreboard to see who collects more points. It is very normal that when people are together they don't love or show love at the same level. But that is okay. It is okay to be the one who always send the cheesy love texts. It is okay to be the one who like to gift more. It is okay to be the one who sacrifice more. That doesn't mean the other person should give zero efforts obviously or else you will know that they don't care. But you might think, oh they are not giving me the same energy. But they are giving you the energy that they can give. If you are a fast replier and they are not, well that doesn't mean they don't care. If you are the one who always say "love you" first, it is okay. Be yourself and spread love as you want and as you really are. Don't hold back feelings from others just because you think they are not treating you the exact same way or level. The only thing that should matter is that you are treated with respect. Believe me respect and honesty are the foundation of any relationship. Other things just will build up around it. 

So remember it is not about who cares more. It is about not being afraid to show what you feel. To be honest if you do so you will be the winner. But again it is not a competition 😉. 

Previously on the life of Alyaa

 

Wow, my last post was on 2018. To think about all the things that happened in the past few years. we all lived through a pandemic and we lost loved ones because of it. I opened the blog and wondered what I should write about. So I went through my old posts and was like hmm, I am not that person anymore. let's take a look about what changed in me. 

1. That Damn Weight  

Oh well. I gained 10 kg back that I lost in 2018. I like to start by blaming COVID-19 and the quarantine life. It was boring all we did was eat and watch shows or play video games. I did manage to work-out a bit and as soon as the gyms opened again I was back. But now this year 2022 I stopped going to the gym daily. I don't know what happened. Maybe I got lazy. But I do know that deep down in me there is this girl who love her time at the gym. A time where I clear my head and worry about nothing but finishing my workouts and I truly miss it. 

But you know what, it is okay. It is okay to stop for a second and enjoy things. Taking things slow and stop pushing yourself. Yes I do miss that soreness after the gym but I am sure once I am ready I will be back. If I pushed myself to go back it won't be good for me because then it will feel like I have to do it. 

2. Being a mom

Surprisingly after years of no cats allowed. At this moment we have 4 cats. It first started with Pixel, she was adopted from the shelter 2019. Then a year later my sisters adopted two kittens. Finally I decided to foster another cat. So currently I am a mother to two precious cats. Let me you tell you one thing, taking care of cat is a huge responsibility. I never thought that one night at 2 am I would be driving my cat to the vet emergency because she wouldn't stop coughing. If I learned something is that once I care I do care. I would literally spend everything I have for them. They keep me up at night and I don't mind it. My hands is full of scratches and I don't mind it. If anything (and this might sound stupid to some) I think I would be a great mom someday. I used to think that I won't be able to handle a baby and was grateful for not being a mom yet. But having two cats and seeing how I would give them all my time and attention made me realize, I am gonna be a great mother to some lucky children someday. 

3. The Caring Alyaa

Now here where I think I changed. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions inside of me. "you should give as you are given" "only care for those who show that they care"" if they don't ask about you don't ask about them"

oh damn, that was childish. I am gonna write more about this in a separate blog because I feel that I have so much to say. But I am gonna summarize it a bit. You can't assume that all people express feelings the same. You can't treat people the way they treat you. You should always be yourself. I mean if you care about someone just show it. if they literally push you away then at least you know you tried. But never hold your feelings just because the other person is not giving you the same amount of care. It is okay, just never change the way you treat people. Never change how good you are, because that good heart needs to stay pure. 

4. Work (ya3)

Oh well, the only thing that I miss during quarantine was working from home. Made me realize how my job doesn't require me to be physically at the office. But what can we do. Let me tell you something work made me stress to the point I didn't want to work. I would go just set on my office and do everything but work. It is not about the work it self, no. It is the people. People suck you in their own bullshit and politics at work you see the worst. It took me a while to understand after all these years of working that I should not care about them. I go in I do my work and be honest to myself. I learned that no matter what, I have to be honest and stand on my own. I am learning still but for now I can say that I am at peace with work. I can't wait to retire though. 

5. Manifesting

Here is where the magic happened. Since this year started I started telling myself that I want certain things in my life. Personally. By manifesting the positive thoughts I think I am getting there. I let go of all the negativity this year. I started it by taking a huge step that I always thought I needed it but was too hesitant to actually do it. But for my own sake I did it. The best thing I did. I learned how to focus on the good things in life and how to always try to attract what I want. I wake up thinking I am ready I am ready to live the life that I want. And hopefully all this positivity will pay off eventually. I believe and I shall receive what I believe.  Because you know what, I deserve it. 

6. Sum up 

Overall, I was in rock bottom and I was over the moon. This is life, it is not perfect it is short and we have no idea what could happen next. So live it, chase what you want and if you don't get it at least you know you tried. I did shot my shots at something and it turned out to be a beautiful thing. So even if it did not happen and I missed that shot at least I can tell myself that I did my best I didn't set around and waited for something good to happen no. I chased it. And here I am in a good place in my life that I actually miss writing and decided to write. 

Untill next time, 

Alyaa 

This is me

Once upon a time, maybe 10 years ago. I was young I was still discovering the world. However, I got engaged. It was alright at first and I thought things will be good. However, my family started to have problems with the man. Things that they thought show that he was not ready to have a family and to be honest I was confused and I thought that they knew better than me so when they said we should break up, I said okay. It was a good decision, I was young I was not ready to have a family of my own. He was not meant to be with me. So all good. No one’s fault. I never spoke ill of him.

Moving on, 7 years ago, I got engaged again. This time my family did not interfere and I was not influenced by anyone. However, fast forward one month I was not happy. I can easily mention the things here, but what’s the point. It won’t change the fact that I had the worst time in my life. And people barely noticed. So after another month, I realized that I can’t keep doing this to myself. That a person have limits. Learned that a person can’t tolerate shit for so long. And when this limit is reached, this is it. So we ended it. However, they all heard that he ended it apparently. Which was true, I started acting up and treating him the exact same way he has been treating me for 2 months now. And one week he could not stand it, and he said let’s end this. I thank Allah for this. I thank Allah because I didn’t lose who I was for a man. That I was smart enough to choose myself to refuse to change. And again we were not meant to be.

People who actually know him wouldn’t know why we broke up. I never told the people who know him how he treated me. Again what’s the point they don’t need to know it. My close friends know, I am not sure my parents and sisters know the details. But overall, I don’t think people have the right to know unless I choose to let them know. Right?

So I am sharing this now because it came to my notice that a family refused to let their son marry me because 10 years ago and 7 years ago I was engaged and it did not work out. So I am not good enough for them. His mother saw me and he said she told him that I smiled a lot, the onetime someone said that about me was a person who disliked me and was trying to cause problems for me. I believe because they can’t really see something they dislike about me so they mention what they noticed first. So when he said his mother told him this, deep down I knew she did not like me. Fast forward a week or so, he told me his family disapproved this. Because of the reason I mentioned. Gonna be fair about it his mother did talk to my mother to know why I broke off with my ex1 and ex2. Mama said that “they don’t know why we broke up and that قدر الله “ but I guess his mother wanted my mother to talk badly about my ex. If you know my mother you know she would never say bad things about people and she did not know the details anyway.

I do believe it was not meant to be. I am mad because I am disappointed. I am disappointed that people can easily judge someone without even knowing them or listening to them. I am not perfect, and I am not gonna say I have never done anything wrong in my life. I am not an angel. At first I thought I would talk to his mother one on one explaining things. But I am really glad I took my friend’s advice and actually waited for few days to understand my feeling.

I would never do this, explaining myself to someone who already built up an idea about me. I realized that I am not sad, I am mostly disappointed in him, in society and in people in general. This was not meant to be for reasons only Allah knows and I fully accept it.

الحمد لله 

I hope that if I ever got married and have kids I would never choose the one for them, I will let them choose and if it was a wrong choice they will be strong enough to face the consequence. People learn let them learn. Let them be who they are, and be with the one they want.

Again everything happen for a reason and I am a better person now.

P.S. he did try to talk to them but they wouldn't listen and he gave up eventually. so he did try a little. 

So please don't say bad things about him he is a good person. 

I wish him well. 

I am truly sorry for everything 

love,

Alyaa

Rock + Roll

Rock + Roll 

Hey I am back!!

I know it has been a long time and I promised that I will write frequently 

but 

I am just a lazy person! 

I was not sure about what to write first 

I have so many things 

and I don't know if this is going to make sense to you

so please bare with me as I collect my thoughts and try my best 

to sound sane

First, what I am going to talk about might sound crazy  

I have a feeling that most of you might disagree 

so I would be really interested to hear your thoughts 

 We as human beings can't deny that most the time emotions control us

It might be a good kind of control 

or it might lead awful things that make you regret life 

Growing up, (and I think I said it before) I wanted everyone to like me

but it seems silly now

I realized this is impossible 

sometimes, I don't even like me

so I let my emotions control my thoughts 

and it goes down the hill 

However, I started to realize how I can change that 

I wanna tell you about how I used to be 

I used to care a lot about everything and everyone in my life 

like either I won't care at all about you 

or I would love you so much 

so this is basically and truly exhausting

I would care a lot about them 

so if they didn't talk back to me 

or if they didn't sound the same 

I would think that I did something wrong 

and I start to question everything 

let me tell you an example 

I once texted my friend 

she didn't reply and she always reply fast 

so I spent the next 6 hours or so 

remembering all the things I did or said to her

I almost cried cuze I did something and I thought it made her mad at me

turns out she was sleeping ,,, 

and I was an emotional roller-coaster for nothing ! 

I used to always ask about people 

I always try to get in touch 

I get upset if they did not reply

It makes me believe that they don't like me 

or that I am too much to be around! 

but recently I realized something 

I care too much 

I worry too much 

I think too much 

People are not the same 

They might care about you and love you 

but the way they show these feelings are not the same 

I remember once I said hi to this person and she immediately said that I changed 

you know why?

because I used to alway ask about her

Until I got bored of doing that

I asked myself Alyaa you always say hi

maybe she just doesn't care that much about you 

my reply was "but you never ask about me"

she said nothing ! seriously she just changed the subject 

imagine how upset I was! 

I understand people are busy 

people change ( I did) 

but If you care about someone you will not just wait for them to always approach you

you will treat them the same way they treat you 

right?

but people take that for granted 

and this is why relationships ends 

because one of them basically stopped caring 

and the other one stopped fighting for it

So when I treat people with the same level of care they show me 

they get upset!

literally like they would ask "Alyaa what's wrong ?"

"nothing I am just tired of being the one who always care more"

So this is how a lot of people who were close to me are not anymore

I stopped fighting for them

I stopped caring 

I couldn't help it 

It is exhausting 

People are exhausting 

relationships (any kind of relations) can drain your soul

because we always want the same level of care

so when we don't get the same 

we start thinking 

worrying 

getting tired   

and so on

I got that now, if you really care about someone 

it is okay to ask about them 

but if they don't do the same 

it is just sad 

People are busy but one moment is all it takes to say "hi"

So to sum things up 

I used to get upset when people don't show they care

I used to be really sad

I used to fight for them 

Now I don't 

I automatically treat them the same way they treat me

and once before people said that if you love someone you will keep fighting for her/him

but If I don't see the same in return 

if I am always the one who fight 

I will always wonder maybe they don't care 

maybe they don't want me in their life

and I will keep thinking and thinking 

and as I said it will just tire you out 

Therefore, I stopped caring 

which leads to stop overthinking about them 

which rest my overwhelming emotions and poor brain  

So I just want to live life without all of that 

Enjoy the few people who actually show me the love and care I show them 

Note that I had no idea what to name this post 

and I remembered EDEN's Song 

" No I ain't scared of living

Cuze it's all we've got

what are we breathing for if we ain't living  

and I don't want your love

I just wanna feel like I'm still living"

The End. 

Just Do It

JUST DO IT !

They say this phrase like it is such an easy thing

If you want something "just do it" 

but "just do it" could be so damn hard to "do it" 

I did it though it took me a long time 

 I lost 10 kg in one year yay me 

In January 2017 

I thought I was overweight but I guess my BMI was in normal range 

however that time I reached my highest wight 

and I thought okay danger zone 

you are getting close to being overweight 

You should know that for the past 6 years I have been going to the gym

on and off 

losing weight gaining weight 

Even when I was going to the gym 

I kept the same diet 

so no major changes 

From January to June 

went to the gym almost daily

first two months with a personal trainer 

no special diet

I cut out the junk food only 

I lost slowly so maybe around 4 kgs !

In July my friend helped me with a diet and workout

strictly diet for two months or so

anyway I lost around 5 KG in 2 months

so you see my point DIET is an important thing 

Now I am not strictly following a diet

but my breakfast is always 

and mostly my lunch and dinner are healthy food

but I do eat what I want sometimes

so all good

JUST DO IT

First, you need to understand this, losing wight being healthy 

is not a thing to do for few months till you reach your target 

and that is it 

NO

this is a lifestyle forever till you die *evil laugh* 

so prepare your self mentally first

YOU CAN DO IT but you need to take things slow first

Learn a way to balance your meals watch what you eat 

if you are into counting calories count them

maybe cut down junk food 

Because dieting is a main thing 

it is very important when it comes to losing weight 

GYM 

I am not going to say go daily to the gym

start by going 3 to 4 times a week

learn to focus on a muscle each day 

so upper body 

lower body 

core & abs

Don't go to the gym and work on all machines and go back home

focus

Do Cardio 

obviously best time for this is on an empty stomach in the morning 

but since I am a lazy sloth

I do 20 to 40 minutes after working out

Later you can go daily to the gym 

believe me this way you will actually fall in love with the gym

I even go on FRIDAYS 

I mostly do bodybuilding workouts and I noticed it actually helped more 

than doing other things 

but then maybe it is just me 

WARM UP and STRETCH 

I do a 5 minutes warm up on any cardio machines 

you can warm up by using light weights in your workouts 

Remember to always stretch after working out and focus on the muscles you trained 

READ

Now everything you want these days is online 

read and read

read about losing weight in a healthy way

read about bodybuilding 

read to know and understand what your body needs 

if you truly understand it you will figure out what you need 

you can search and see workouts that you can do

watch videos on how to do them 

IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT to workout right

focus on technique and position 

if you do it wrong you might end up hurting yourself 

so educate your brain 

if you trying new workout with weights 

learn to do it right first then add weights 

so ya read more and learn 

HEALTH

Your health is important 

DRINK MORE WATER 

you can have one of those apps that will help you counting your water intake

I used this website to help counting how much I need to drink 

take multivitamins 

I advice you do a full blood test to see if you need to focus on something 

but otherwise take multivitamins supplements 

you can google it like I did and see what is best to take

again I say meals is important don't miss any

I can share with you my routine but honestly I am not a trainer 

I eat McDonalds at least once a month 

I also keep changing my workouts 

I still google more workouts 

changing helps not to get bored 

As a start you can ask for help from a trainer 

someone to help you with diet

But when you learn to do it by yourself 

you will make it easier to keep doing it

to keep staying healthy 

because you is the only one you need

if you rely on others to help 

for a while it is okay 

but then when you understand it better

rely on yourself 

Because at the end you will always be there for you

People might disagree with what I say but it is okay 

it is like when you ask different trainers they all have their own methods

but this was how I did it 

الحمد لله 

Feel free to ask anything I will do my best to help  

Meant to be

I am not sure how you will feel about reading this

some might disagree some might agree

In real life few people actually said "but this crazy"

"fight for what you want"

but what if what I want is not good for me? 

okay enough with that long intro 

in this post I want to talk about something I believe in 

ready 

here it goes 

"if it meant to be, it will be" 

"Everything happen for a reason" 

you get it, right?

In all these years that I lived on this earth I never ever asked myself

why this is happening to me?

even when I was at my lowest time

times I thought maybe death would be better than living

I still don't remember asking " why god why me"

easy example of this

Let's say I planned for something and then it did not happen

I obviously get upset 

but then I tell myself 

it is okay 

it was not meant to be 

and I move on

which is pretty good cuze I don't feel sad for long 

cuze I truly believe in that

Another easy example, deciding to do something let's say 

when I got sick and I had to see a doctor 

I went with the first one that consulted me

they all asked why and get other opinion

my answer was but she was the only one with free appointment time for me 

so it was meant to be 

I actually ended up consulting other doctors cuze you know your health matter

but they all said the same so I went back to her

but deep inside I never actually considered going to another doctor 

As I believed she was meant to be my doctor 

Everything that happened in my life shaped me somehow

now moving on to complicated thing

This is a little bit personal so enjoy 

I was engaged before 

and in our religion we do the "estekhara / استخاره" prayer 

and I did 

and everything happened quickly 

I was about to get married in 5 months 

then I realized this is not what I want

not to bore you with details 

but he was not the right person for me

and this is when I thought the worst

like I will never be enough 

that I will never be someone that you can love

but I told myself this is it 

you have to live this way 

this is meant to be

but at one point I woke up and said to myself 

no 

this is meant to make me stronger 

this is meant to make me see things better

this is meant to make me realize 

I deserve better

so long story short 

we broke up 

And I never ever asked why this happened to me

I truly never did 

cuze this changed me 

I am now a better person 

so it was meant to be 

my heart meant to be broken 

to get better 

to get stronger 

I will probably answer to

"if you could change a thing in your past what would it be"

with nothing 

cuze everything happen for a reason 

A friend of mine had same experience and all she kept saying

is why me why god 

what did I do to deserve that 

I tried once to explain to her why 

she said but we prayed why would god do that to us

and to be honest I explained to her why 

so we learn from our mistakes 

so we be a better us 

and all things above 

she did not see it 

and went back to asking why god

and it actually made her sad for something she couldn't change

I don't want to write more I hope you get it 

don't chase hope-less things 

if a thing is good in your life 

it will stay in your life

if a thing is bad 

it will not stay it was not meant for you 

and you need to learn how to let it go

be wise to see the hidden things in your life 

the good things that came out of bad things 

hope that make sense 

 As we say 

عسى ان تكرهوا شيئا وهو خير لكم وعسى ان تحبوا شيئ وهو شراً لكم

والله يعلم و أنتم لا تعلمون

You may hate a thing although it is good for

and may love a thing although it is evil for you 

Allah knows, and you do not 

This thing I hate about me

I was really hesitated if I should write about this

like what will be the point

it is a sad thing

not funny 

you guys probably will hate this 

here it goes  

OVERTHINKING 

So overthinking and I are in good relationship 

It started when I was pretty young and idiot with a big imagination

I can’t help it

The worse thing is that I don't only I think about things that happened 

My damn brain actually likes to imagine things that did not happen 

Let’s say I was about to do something !

 Okay like chill brain for now at least .. when it happens think about it

But no that bastard starts making up different scenarios about how that thing will go 

And obviously all of them are negative things

These things includes conversations, actions and every single thing that could happen  

And then next day nothing happens 

or what happens is totally okay no problems nothing

so i am like wtf brain you made me worry for hours  

Why you do this to me !?

 WHY!

After all of these years of this abusive relationship with my overthinking! 

I still can’t let it go! 

I can’t break up with it 

I tried but seriously it is hard! 

And with a brain like mine “a creative one” it is the worse 

 Most of my overthinking involves drama like it should be a movie or tv show..

 maybe a musical (that’s cooler)

These days overthinking also includes me overthinking about events or plans

 Like if we plan something for next week I will start thinking about things that might happen and ruin this plan! 

I am Not kidding who does that! 

Also we have a child, called worrying

I worry so damn much

 Sometimes, or let me say most of the times my worrying is unnecessary and pointless

  If i call someone and they don’t answer and they don’t call me back 

I begin to worry what if something happened to them

 what if they are mad at me (although i did nothing ) and then this power of worrying and overthinking destroys me slowly

I try remembering everything that I said

everything that happened 

to figure out if that person is mad at me

 until they call back and be like “ i was taking a nap” 

ugh ! 

So I worry and overthink

About everything 

I can't overcome this 

so damn you brain

I decided to do something about it though 

I keep saying I am too old for this! 

And this thing has been going on for too damn long time 

I decided not to overthink and worry with the help of my tv shows 

Basically keeping my brain busy with complicated tv shows 

Or just take a damn nap if i am tired. 

hmm this might work but I doubt it to be honest 

Anyway I am pretty sure you hated reading this 

cuze I hated writing it 

it is frustrating