The Pursuit of Sadness?

  

Alright first, I have not seen the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" and I don't think I will now. 

So, I always wanted to write about this but I never get the time and never in a mood to write it.
 Now I do. 

Lately, I have this weird feeling of sadness. I don't know why. 

As soon as you feel the sadness in you, your brain start fishing out all the little things that make you sad. Just to add more reasons to be sad.

Eden says in his song " Drugs"

 Things I would rather be Thoughts at the back of my head, But I'm addicted to hurting

So could a person be addicted to sadness?
 Unfortunately, I believe this true.
At this point of my life, I am telling you I can't answer if someone asks me if I am truly happy?
I don't know.
Because when I get this question my brain immediately reminds me of all the things that made me sad.
I am pretty sure I am not the only person who feels this way, right?
The thing with Sadness is if you decide to do something that makes you happy to forget this sad feelings you have, it will only be temporary.
I am happy when I am with my best friends
 I am happy when I am watching a show I waited for it for so long
I will be super happy when The Last of us and kingdom hearts 3 get released
I am happy when I hear good news about the people I care about
I am happy at the gym

You get the point, happiness is just for a moment
My friends will go back to their life and I will be alone
Shows will end
I will finish the games
And good news happiness don't even last that much
Gym time is like 2 hours maximum

I hope I am not making you depressed reading this.
I am being honest with you.

I believe that we chase the sadness in our life.
and there is nothing we can do about it.
Some people might tell you:
you are doing this to yourself
your fault
think happy thoughts
read Quran & pray

But nothing will work out.
So the thing I do whenever I feel sad is reminding myself of the important things
I am alive
I am healthy
I am safe

Life is too short to not letting go of the past, and letting go of all the thoughts that make you sad
I know
but it is such a hard thing to do
We are addicted to Sadness
It is an addiction

So it is easier to just enjoy living the moments in your life
happy
or
Sad

I just keep living




That's all for now

A monster at work

A monster at work

Don’t be scared I won’t bite you. I don’t know why I even choose this title. I am kidding I think it is me I am a monster at work.

 Anyway, from the title I am hoping you will get what I am about to tell you.

Growing up I was really kind, and easy going person. I would probably forgive you if you stabbed my back and then said sorry. I thought all people were nice all of them were kind, I was wrong.

If you knew me years ago you would probably say oh that Alyaa she was so nice! So kind so quiet. Strangers would say "I think she is a nice person" 

BUT and this is a big but, I am not so kind anymore.

This whole thing started after few years since I started working. Sometimes I think it is a good thing sometimes not.

Fact: people are rude and mean. If you keep being nice to them they will eat you alive. You won't survive. 

It all started when this Lady in this meeting said to me “why are you smiling with that guy” and she hinted that we were in “relationship" or something. It was in a meeting in front of people!!. So to my surprise I only replied with “not your business” and good thing he did not understand Arabic and did not understand a single word she said. It would have been awkward. 

 (he might end up reading this so if you do let me know :P ) 

I was so mad cuze I did not reply with more and went and cried outside as I was frustrated but did not say a thing to her face more than that. 

That was the last time I cried at work. I sent an official email to her CC’d my boss saying that what she said was unacceptable and should not happen again. Not going to bore you with details but we exchanged few emails I was so professional but on point, she was not. Also my boss finally replied to one of her emails defending me and saying it was not acceptable. 

 Anyway guess what, she did not dare to say or throw words like she used to at me! She was careful of what she says. And I don’t see her anymore so that is good.

Fact: Some of my coworkers actually ask my advice when they want to reply to some emails cuze I can be mean and point out things but in a professional way xD

 I heard things people said behind my back that was wrong and made me realize people would never be satisfied with you they will look for anything to talk about. No matter what you do there is something for them to talk about while drinking their morning karak. 

After a while,  I became a little bit rude to people around me. I would not just shut up when I see something I don’t like. Sometimes I reply to things quickly and regret it later specially if it was to my coworkers and  I end up apologizing.

Seriously it is basically like bullying, if you say nothing to those people they will keep treating you the same. So I learned to fight back for my rights I do it for myself. 

 I gave up trying being nice at work.

Now ask the new employees at work about me they will say “Alyaa probably hates me” why because I am always professional not friendly with new people. I don’t have to like them all and they don’t have to like me. This is work not friendship zone. To some, it is even more like a war zone!

So ya I learned from work a lot on how to be tough how to not be fooled by people how to not care about what they think personally of me. I made few friends from work and I love them. But some people are just coworkers to me and I respect them. Do that and you will never be frustrated at work. Unless you do your damn job and never get appreciated.

Also some of the people who said that I was rude or hate them when they first met me, they will probably tell you I am a nice person after few months (if they are nice to me obviously and not the gossiping two faced creatures)

Fact: I met a friend from highschool and told her stories that happened to me at work and how I dealt with them and she was shocked! she said you are a whole different person now. Guess what, she also changed from this quiet nice person to this tough reasonable person and we laughed about it. 

Okay probably not a monster but hopefully you got the idea.