Meant to be

I am not sure how you will feel about reading this

some might disagree some might agree

In real life few people actually said "but this crazy"

"fight for what you want"

but what if what I want is not good for me? 

okay enough with that long intro 

in this post I want to talk about something I believe in 

ready 

here it goes 

"if it meant to be, it will be" 

"Everything happen for a reason" 

you get it, right?

In all these years that I lived on this earth I never ever asked myself

why this is happening to me?

even when I was at my lowest time

times I thought maybe death would be better than living

I still don't remember asking " why god why me"

easy example of this

Let's say I planned for something and then it did not happen

I obviously get upset 

but then I tell myself 

it is okay 

it was not meant to be 

and I move on

which is pretty good cuze I don't feel sad for long 

cuze I truly believe in that

Another easy example, deciding to do something let's say 

when I got sick and I had to see a doctor 

I went with the first one that consulted me

they all asked why and get other opinion

my answer was but she was the only one with free appointment time for me 

so it was meant to be 

I actually ended up consulting other doctors cuze you know your health matter

but they all said the same so I went back to her

but deep inside I never actually considered going to another doctor 

As I believed she was meant to be my doctor 

Everything that happened in my life shaped me somehow

now moving on to complicated thing

This is a little bit personal so enjoy 

I was engaged before 

and in our religion we do the "estekhara / استخاره" prayer 

and I did 

and everything happened quickly 

I was about to get married in 5 months 

then I realized this is not what I want

not to bore you with details 

but he was not the right person for me

and this is when I thought the worst

like I will never be enough 

that I will never be someone that you can love

but I told myself this is it 

you have to live this way 

this is meant to be

but at one point I woke up and said to myself 

no 

this is meant to make me stronger 

this is meant to make me see things better

this is meant to make me realize 

I deserve better

so long story short 

we broke up 

And I never ever asked why this happened to me

I truly never did 

cuze this changed me 

I am now a better person 

so it was meant to be 

my heart meant to be broken 

to get better 

to get stronger 

I will probably answer to

"if you could change a thing in your past what would it be"

with nothing 

cuze everything happen for a reason 

A friend of mine had same experience and all she kept saying

is why me why god 

what did I do to deserve that 

I tried once to explain to her why 

she said but we prayed why would god do that to us

and to be honest I explained to her why 

so we learn from our mistakes 

so we be a better us 

and all things above 

she did not see it 

and went back to asking why god

and it actually made her sad for something she couldn't change

I don't want to write more I hope you get it 

don't chase hope-less things 

if a thing is good in your life 

it will stay in your life

if a thing is bad 

it will not stay it was not meant for you 

and you need to learn how to let it go

be wise to see the hidden things in your life 

the good things that came out of bad things 

hope that make sense 

 As we say 

عسى ان تكرهوا شيئا وهو خير لكم وعسى ان تحبوا شيئ وهو شراً لكم

والله يعلم و أنتم لا تعلمون

You may hate a thing although it is good for

and may love a thing although it is evil for you 

Allah knows, and you do not 

This thing I hate about me

I was really hesitated if I should write about this

like what will be the point

it is a sad thing

not funny 

you guys probably will hate this 

here it goes  

OVERTHINKING 

So overthinking and I are in good relationship 

It started when I was pretty young and idiot with a big imagination

I can’t help it

The worse thing is that I don't only I think about things that happened 

My damn brain actually likes to imagine things that did not happen 

Let’s say I was about to do something !

 Okay like chill brain for now at least .. when it happens think about it

But no that bastard starts making up different scenarios about how that thing will go 

And obviously all of them are negative things

These things includes conversations, actions and every single thing that could happen  

And then next day nothing happens 

or what happens is totally okay no problems nothing

so i am like wtf brain you made me worry for hours  

Why you do this to me !?

 WHY!

After all of these years of this abusive relationship with my overthinking! 

I still can’t let it go! 

I can’t break up with it 

I tried but seriously it is hard! 

And with a brain like mine “a creative one” it is the worse 

 Most of my overthinking involves drama like it should be a movie or tv show..

 maybe a musical (that’s cooler)

These days overthinking also includes me overthinking about events or plans

 Like if we plan something for next week I will start thinking about things that might happen and ruin this plan! 

I am Not kidding who does that! 

Also we have a child, called worrying

I worry so damn much

 Sometimes, or let me say most of the times my worrying is unnecessary and pointless

  If i call someone and they don’t answer and they don’t call me back 

I begin to worry what if something happened to them

 what if they are mad at me (although i did nothing ) and then this power of worrying and overthinking destroys me slowly

I try remembering everything that I said

everything that happened 

to figure out if that person is mad at me

 until they call back and be like “ i was taking a nap” 

ugh ! 

So I worry and overthink

About everything 

I can't overcome this 

so damn you brain

I decided to do something about it though 

I keep saying I am too old for this! 

And this thing has been going on for too damn long time 

I decided not to overthink and worry with the help of my tv shows 

Basically keeping my brain busy with complicated tv shows 

Or just take a damn nap if i am tired. 

hmm this might work but I doubt it to be honest 

Anyway I am pretty sure you hated reading this 

cuze I hated writing it 

it is frustrating 

Happy New Year !

New year New Me 

Hello!

First post of 2018 

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you 

whoever is reading this

my fans

 ( yes I like to think that I have fans) 

It is that time of the year

The beginning of something

 The time when all of you say " New Year New Me"

Most of you start writing goals and resolutions to achieve in it 

Most of you then forget about these goals in February 

I am trying to remember what kind of goals I set for myself on 2017 

The thing is I only told myself that I would be a healthier person on 2017 

That I will reach 64 KG by the end of it

I ended up reaching my goal

That's good right?

Anyway, if you ask what are my goals this year, I would say nothing 

This year I want to live in the moment 

I don't want to think 

I don't want to plan things 

call me lazy I don't care

This year will be the year I do whatever makes me happy

This year I will be selfish 

I will put Alyaa above everything else

I am so tired of worrying about people

worrying about things I can't control 

cuze what's the point I can't change things 

so

What I should do is worry about the things I can control 

My happiness 

I am not going to be a bitch and not care about my friends and family 

I will 

If I can help 

I will

But I won't let it take over me

People keep saying do this and do that ( business projects) 

I don't feel like it

Just cuze everyone is having their own business ( probably related to food burgers, cake, blah blah) 

That does not mean we all should do that

also note: STOP WITH THE BURGER BUSINESS seriously enough is enough 

and what's up with the whole Bbq basket thingy 

you all are so damn lazy to prepare for a Bbq 

anyway 

People also keeps praying that I will be married by the end of this year 

and I say MEH

I wish they pray for my happiness more than getting married

Yes I am old 

but that does not mean I MUST get married and settle down 

I am happy the way my life is now 

I have a job 

I have a monthly Salary that I DO MY BEST TO SAVE 

but it just keeps flying SMH

I will enjoy this year 

I will buy all the things that make me happy 

Also I will try and give more to charities 

volunteer more

be healthier 

go to the gym more ( and no injuries PLZ) 

I will do try to write more I promise 

but then I am lazy so 

So if you reading this, let me know if you have any goals for 2018 

and again happy new year !