This is me

Once upon a time, maybe 10 years ago. I was young I was still discovering the world. However, I got engaged. It was alright at first and I thought things will be good. However, my family started to have problems with the man. Things that they thought show that he was not ready to have a family and to be honest I was confused and I thought that they knew better than me so when they said we should break up, I said okay. It was a good decision, I was young I was not ready to have a family of my own. He was not meant to be with me. So all good. No one’s fault. I never spoke ill of him.

Moving on, 7 years ago, I got engaged again. This time my family did not interfere and I was not influenced by anyone. However, fast forward one month I was not happy. I can easily mention the things here, but what’s the point. It won’t change the fact that I had the worst time in my life. And people barely noticed. So after another month, I realized that I can’t keep doing this to myself. That a person have limits. Learned that a person can’t tolerate shit for so long. And when this limit is reached, this is it. So we ended it. However, they all heard that he ended it apparently. Which was true, I started acting up and treating him the exact same way he has been treating me for 2 months now. And one week he could not stand it, and he said let’s end this. I thank Allah for this. I thank Allah because I didn’t lose who I was for a man. That I was smart enough to choose myself to refuse to change. And again we were not meant to be.

People who actually know him wouldn’t know why we broke up. I never told the people who know him how he treated me. Again what’s the point they don’t need to know it. My close friends know, I am not sure my parents and sisters know the details. But overall, I don’t think people have the right to know unless I choose to let them know. Right?

So I am sharing this now because it came to my notice that a family refused to let their son marry me because 10 years ago and 7 years ago I was engaged and it did not work out. So I am not good enough for them. His mother saw me and he said she told him that I smiled a lot, the onetime someone said that about me was a person who disliked me and was trying to cause problems for me. I believe because they can’t really see something they dislike about me so they mention what they noticed first. So when he said his mother told him this, deep down I knew she did not like me. Fast forward a week or so, he told me his family disapproved this. Because of the reason I mentioned. Gonna be fair about it his mother did talk to my mother to know why I broke off with my ex1 and ex2. Mama said that “they don’t know why we broke up and that قدر الله “ but I guess his mother wanted my mother to talk badly about my ex. If you know my mother you know she would never say bad things about people and she did not know the details anyway.

I do believe it was not meant to be. I am mad because I am disappointed. I am disappointed that people can easily judge someone without even knowing them or listening to them. I am not perfect, and I am not gonna say I have never done anything wrong in my life. I am not an angel. At first I thought I would talk to his mother one on one explaining things. But I am really glad I took my friend’s advice and actually waited for few days to understand my feeling.

I would never do this, explaining myself to someone who already built up an idea about me. I realized that I am not sad, I am mostly disappointed in him, in society and in people in general. This was not meant to be for reasons only Allah knows and I fully accept it.

الحمد لله 

I hope that if I ever got married and have kids I would never choose the one for them, I will let them choose and if it was a wrong choice they will be strong enough to face the consequence. People learn let them learn. Let them be who they are, and be with the one they want.

Again everything happen for a reason and I am a better person now.

P.S. he did try to talk to them but they wouldn't listen and he gave up eventually. so he did try a little. 

So please don't say bad things about him he is a good person. 

I wish him well. 

I am truly sorry for everything 

love,

Alyaa

Rock + Roll

Rock + Roll 

Hey I am back!!

I know it has been a long time and I promised that I will write frequently 

but 

I am just a lazy person! 

I was not sure about what to write first 

I have so many things 

and I don't know if this is going to make sense to you

so please bare with me as I collect my thoughts and try my best 

to sound sane

First, what I am going to talk about might sound crazy  

I have a feeling that most of you might disagree 

so I would be really interested to hear your thoughts 

 We as human beings can't deny that most the time emotions control us

It might be a good kind of control 

or it might lead awful things that make you regret life 

Growing up, (and I think I said it before) I wanted everyone to like me

but it seems silly now

I realized this is impossible 

sometimes, I don't even like me

so I let my emotions control my thoughts 

and it goes down the hill 

However, I started to realize how I can change that 

I wanna tell you about how I used to be 

I used to care a lot about everything and everyone in my life 

like either I won't care at all about you 

or I would love you so much 

so this is basically and truly exhausting

I would care a lot about them 

so if they didn't talk back to me 

or if they didn't sound the same 

I would think that I did something wrong 

and I start to question everything 

let me tell you an example 

I once texted my friend 

she didn't reply and she always reply fast 

so I spent the next 6 hours or so 

remembering all the things I did or said to her

I almost cried cuze I did something and I thought it made her mad at me

turns out she was sleeping ,,, 

and I was an emotional roller-coaster for nothing ! 

I used to always ask about people 

I always try to get in touch 

I get upset if they did not reply

It makes me believe that they don't like me 

or that I am too much to be around! 

but recently I realized something 

I care too much 

I worry too much 

I think too much 

People are not the same 

They might care about you and love you 

but the way they show these feelings are not the same 

I remember once I said hi to this person and she immediately said that I changed 

you know why?

because I used to alway ask about her

Until I got bored of doing that

I asked myself Alyaa you always say hi

maybe she just doesn't care that much about you 

my reply was "but you never ask about me"

she said nothing ! seriously she just changed the subject 

imagine how upset I was! 

I understand people are busy 

people change ( I did) 

but If you care about someone you will not just wait for them to always approach you

you will treat them the same way they treat you 

right?

but people take that for granted 

and this is why relationships ends 

because one of them basically stopped caring 

and the other one stopped fighting for it

So when I treat people with the same level of care they show me 

they get upset!

literally like they would ask "Alyaa what's wrong ?"

"nothing I am just tired of being the one who always care more"

So this is how a lot of people who were close to me are not anymore

I stopped fighting for them

I stopped caring 

I couldn't help it 

It is exhausting 

People are exhausting 

relationships (any kind of relations) can drain your soul

because we always want the same level of care

so when we don't get the same 

we start thinking 

worrying 

getting tired   

and so on

I got that now, if you really care about someone 

it is okay to ask about them 

but if they don't do the same 

it is just sad 

People are busy but one moment is all it takes to say "hi"

So to sum things up 

I used to get upset when people don't show they care

I used to be really sad

I used to fight for them 

Now I don't 

I automatically treat them the same way they treat me

and once before people said that if you love someone you will keep fighting for her/him

but If I don't see the same in return 

if I am always the one who fight 

I will always wonder maybe they don't care 

maybe they don't want me in their life

and I will keep thinking and thinking 

and as I said it will just tire you out 

Therefore, I stopped caring 

which leads to stop overthinking about them 

which rest my overwhelming emotions and poor brain  

So I just want to live life without all of that 

Enjoy the few people who actually show me the love and care I show them 

Note that I had no idea what to name this post 

and I remembered EDEN's Song 

" No I ain't scared of living

Cuze it's all we've got

what are we breathing for if we ain't living  

and I don't want your love

I just wanna feel like I'm still living"

The End. 

Just Do It

JUST DO IT !

They say this phrase like it is such an easy thing

If you want something "just do it" 

but "just do it" could be so damn hard to "do it" 

I did it though it took me a long time 

 I lost 10 kg in one year yay me 

In January 2017 

I thought I was overweight but I guess my BMI was in normal range 

however that time I reached my highest wight 

and I thought okay danger zone 

you are getting close to being overweight 

You should know that for the past 6 years I have been going to the gym

on and off 

losing weight gaining weight 

Even when I was going to the gym 

I kept the same diet 

so no major changes 

From January to June 

went to the gym almost daily

first two months with a personal trainer 

no special diet

I cut out the junk food only 

I lost slowly so maybe around 4 kgs !

In July my friend helped me with a diet and workout

strictly diet for two months or so

anyway I lost around 5 KG in 2 months

so you see my point DIET is an important thing 

Now I am not strictly following a diet

but my breakfast is always 

and mostly my lunch and dinner are healthy food

but I do eat what I want sometimes

so all good

JUST DO IT

First, you need to understand this, losing wight being healthy 

is not a thing to do for few months till you reach your target 

and that is it 

NO

this is a lifestyle forever till you die *evil laugh* 

so prepare your self mentally first

YOU CAN DO IT but you need to take things slow first

Learn a way to balance your meals watch what you eat 

if you are into counting calories count them

maybe cut down junk food 

Because dieting is a main thing 

it is very important when it comes to losing weight 

GYM 

I am not going to say go daily to the gym

start by going 3 to 4 times a week

learn to focus on a muscle each day 

so upper body 

lower body 

core & abs

Don't go to the gym and work on all machines and go back home

focus

Do Cardio 

obviously best time for this is on an empty stomach in the morning 

but since I am a lazy sloth

I do 20 to 40 minutes after working out

Later you can go daily to the gym 

believe me this way you will actually fall in love with the gym

I even go on FRIDAYS 

I mostly do bodybuilding workouts and I noticed it actually helped more 

than doing other things 

but then maybe it is just me 

WARM UP and STRETCH 

I do a 5 minutes warm up on any cardio machines 

you can warm up by using light weights in your workouts 

Remember to always stretch after working out and focus on the muscles you trained 

READ

Now everything you want these days is online 

read and read

read about losing weight in a healthy way

read about bodybuilding 

read to know and understand what your body needs 

if you truly understand it you will figure out what you need 

you can search and see workouts that you can do

watch videos on how to do them 

IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT to workout right

focus on technique and position 

if you do it wrong you might end up hurting yourself 

so educate your brain 

if you trying new workout with weights 

learn to do it right first then add weights 

so ya read more and learn 

HEALTH

Your health is important 

DRINK MORE WATER 

you can have one of those apps that will help you counting your water intake

I used this website to help counting how much I need to drink 

take multivitamins 

I advice you do a full blood test to see if you need to focus on something 

but otherwise take multivitamins supplements 

you can google it like I did and see what is best to take

again I say meals is important don't miss any

I can share with you my routine but honestly I am not a trainer 

I eat McDonalds at least once a month 

I also keep changing my workouts 

I still google more workouts 

changing helps not to get bored 

As a start you can ask for help from a trainer 

someone to help you with diet

But when you learn to do it by yourself 

you will make it easier to keep doing it

to keep staying healthy 

because you is the only one you need

if you rely on others to help 

for a while it is okay 

but then when you understand it better

rely on yourself 

Because at the end you will always be there for you

People might disagree with what I say but it is okay 

it is like when you ask different trainers they all have their own methods

but this was how I did it 

الحمد لله 

Feel free to ask anything I will do my best to help  

Meant to be

I am not sure how you will feel about reading this

some might disagree some might agree

In real life few people actually said "but this crazy"

"fight for what you want"

but what if what I want is not good for me? 

okay enough with that long intro 

in this post I want to talk about something I believe in 

ready 

here it goes 

"if it meant to be, it will be" 

"Everything happen for a reason" 

you get it, right?

In all these years that I lived on this earth I never ever asked myself

why this is happening to me?

even when I was at my lowest time

times I thought maybe death would be better than living

I still don't remember asking " why god why me"

easy example of this

Let's say I planned for something and then it did not happen

I obviously get upset 

but then I tell myself 

it is okay 

it was not meant to be 

and I move on

which is pretty good cuze I don't feel sad for long 

cuze I truly believe in that

Another easy example, deciding to do something let's say 

when I got sick and I had to see a doctor 

I went with the first one that consulted me

they all asked why and get other opinion

my answer was but she was the only one with free appointment time for me 

so it was meant to be 

I actually ended up consulting other doctors cuze you know your health matter

but they all said the same so I went back to her

but deep inside I never actually considered going to another doctor 

As I believed she was meant to be my doctor 

Everything that happened in my life shaped me somehow

now moving on to complicated thing

This is a little bit personal so enjoy 

I was engaged before 

and in our religion we do the "estekhara / استخاره" prayer 

and I did 

and everything happened quickly 

I was about to get married in 5 months 

then I realized this is not what I want

not to bore you with details 

but he was not the right person for me

and this is when I thought the worst

like I will never be enough 

that I will never be someone that you can love

but I told myself this is it 

you have to live this way 

this is meant to be

but at one point I woke up and said to myself 

no 

this is meant to make me stronger 

this is meant to make me see things better

this is meant to make me realize 

I deserve better

so long story short 

we broke up 

And I never ever asked why this happened to me

I truly never did 

cuze this changed me 

I am now a better person 

so it was meant to be 

my heart meant to be broken 

to get better 

to get stronger 

I will probably answer to

"if you could change a thing in your past what would it be"

with nothing 

cuze everything happen for a reason 

A friend of mine had same experience and all she kept saying

is why me why god 

what did I do to deserve that 

I tried once to explain to her why 

she said but we prayed why would god do that to us

and to be honest I explained to her why 

so we learn from our mistakes 

so we be a better us 

and all things above 

she did not see it 

and went back to asking why god

and it actually made her sad for something she couldn't change

I don't want to write more I hope you get it 

don't chase hope-less things 

if a thing is good in your life 

it will stay in your life

if a thing is bad 

it will not stay it was not meant for you 

and you need to learn how to let it go

be wise to see the hidden things in your life 

the good things that came out of bad things 

hope that make sense 

 As we say 

عسى ان تكرهوا شيئا وهو خير لكم وعسى ان تحبوا شيئ وهو شراً لكم

والله يعلم و أنتم لا تعلمون

You may hate a thing although it is good for

and may love a thing although it is evil for you 

Allah knows, and you do not 

This thing I hate about me

I was really hesitated if I should write about this

like what will be the point

it is a sad thing

not funny 

you guys probably will hate this 

here it goes  

OVERTHINKING 

So overthinking and I are in good relationship 

It started when I was pretty young and idiot with a big imagination

I can’t help it

The worse thing is that I don't only I think about things that happened 

My damn brain actually likes to imagine things that did not happen 

Let’s say I was about to do something !

 Okay like chill brain for now at least .. when it happens think about it

But no that bastard starts making up different scenarios about how that thing will go 

And obviously all of them are negative things

These things includes conversations, actions and every single thing that could happen  

And then next day nothing happens 

or what happens is totally okay no problems nothing

so i am like wtf brain you made me worry for hours  

Why you do this to me !?

 WHY!

After all of these years of this abusive relationship with my overthinking! 

I still can’t let it go! 

I can’t break up with it 

I tried but seriously it is hard! 

And with a brain like mine “a creative one” it is the worse 

 Most of my overthinking involves drama like it should be a movie or tv show..

 maybe a musical (that’s cooler)

These days overthinking also includes me overthinking about events or plans

 Like if we plan something for next week I will start thinking about things that might happen and ruin this plan! 

I am Not kidding who does that! 

Also we have a child, called worrying

I worry so damn much

 Sometimes, or let me say most of the times my worrying is unnecessary and pointless

  If i call someone and they don’t answer and they don’t call me back 

I begin to worry what if something happened to them

 what if they are mad at me (although i did nothing ) and then this power of worrying and overthinking destroys me slowly

I try remembering everything that I said

everything that happened 

to figure out if that person is mad at me

 until they call back and be like “ i was taking a nap” 

ugh ! 

So I worry and overthink

About everything 

I can't overcome this 

so damn you brain

I decided to do something about it though 

I keep saying I am too old for this! 

And this thing has been going on for too damn long time 

I decided not to overthink and worry with the help of my tv shows 

Basically keeping my brain busy with complicated tv shows 

Or just take a damn nap if i am tired. 

hmm this might work but I doubt it to be honest 

Anyway I am pretty sure you hated reading this 

cuze I hated writing it 

it is frustrating 

Happy New Year !

New year New Me 

Hello!

First post of 2018 

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you 

whoever is reading this

my fans

 ( yes I like to think that I have fans) 

It is that time of the year

The beginning of something

 The time when all of you say " New Year New Me"

Most of you start writing goals and resolutions to achieve in it 

Most of you then forget about these goals in February 

I am trying to remember what kind of goals I set for myself on 2017 

The thing is I only told myself that I would be a healthier person on 2017 

That I will reach 64 KG by the end of it

I ended up reaching my goal

That's good right?

Anyway, if you ask what are my goals this year, I would say nothing 

This year I want to live in the moment 

I don't want to think 

I don't want to plan things 

call me lazy I don't care

This year will be the year I do whatever makes me happy

This year I will be selfish 

I will put Alyaa above everything else

I am so tired of worrying about people

worrying about things I can't control 

cuze what's the point I can't change things 

so

What I should do is worry about the things I can control 

My happiness 

I am not going to be a bitch and not care about my friends and family 

I will 

If I can help 

I will

But I won't let it take over me

People keep saying do this and do that ( business projects) 

I don't feel like it

Just cuze everyone is having their own business ( probably related to food burgers, cake, blah blah) 

That does not mean we all should do that

also note: STOP WITH THE BURGER BUSINESS seriously enough is enough 

and what's up with the whole Bbq basket thingy 

you all are so damn lazy to prepare for a Bbq 

anyway 

People also keeps praying that I will be married by the end of this year 

and I say MEH

I wish they pray for my happiness more than getting married

Yes I am old 

but that does not mean I MUST get married and settle down 

I am happy the way my life is now 

I have a job 

I have a monthly Salary that I DO MY BEST TO SAVE 

but it just keeps flying SMH

I will enjoy this year 

I will buy all the things that make me happy 

Also I will try and give more to charities 

volunteer more

be healthier 

go to the gym more ( and no injuries PLZ) 

I will do try to write more I promise 

but then I am lazy so 

So if you reading this, let me know if you have any goals for 2018 

and again happy new year !